Christmas Pirate Joke

[rvpopeye]

I was thinking which pirate joke I should post for Christmas.

So here ya go........

Why don't Santas helpers require any training?

They are elf taught.

 

 

 

I took my car to the mechanics because it was making a terrible noise.

He removed the Mariah Carey CD and now the car is fine.

 

 
What did the thief get for stealing an Advent Calendar ???

25 days.

 

Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?

Because they are rain-deer.

 

 

 

Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?

He had low elf esteem.

 

 

 

Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?

They always drop their needles.

 

 

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?

Frostbite

What did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?

It's Christmas Eve!

 

 

 

What is the greatest gift that you can give someone for Christmas?

A broken drum, you really can't beat it.

 

 

 

Why does Santa sometimes visit the liquor store?

So he can stock up on the Christmas spirit.

 

 

 

What is the first thing that an elf learns in school?

The elf-abet.

 

 

 

Which of Santas reindeer is always sneaking off to the club to party?

Dancer.

 

 

 

Why is Santa no longer allowed to enter houses through the chimney?

Carbon footprints.

 

 

 

Why does Father Christmas have 3 gardens?

So he is able to ho ho ho.

 

 

 

Why does Darth Vader always burn his Christmas ham?

He prefers it on the dark side.

Why was the Christmas turkey able to cross the road?

Because he wasn't a chicken.

 

 

 

What does Mowgli listen to at Christmas time?

Jungle bells.

 

 

 

What are mexican Christmas sweaters made from?

Fleece Navidad.

 

 

 

What did all of the elves give Father Christmas after he had another successful CHristmas?

A round of Santapplause.

 

 

 

What is Santas cat called?

Santa Claws.

 

 

 

What fell down at the North Pole but didn't break?

Snow.

 

 

 

How did Yoda know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

 

 

 

Why are Santas elves safe if they have an accident at work?

They all have private elf care.

 

 

 

What do you call a snowman that has a six pack stomach?

The abdominal snowman.

 

 

 

Which pop artist do the reindeer like to listen to when it isn't Christmas time?

Beyon-sleigh.

Which artist do the elves listen to in the off season?

Elvish Prestley.

 

 

 

What does Santa give to his elves that are not productive enough?

The sack.

 

 

 

What do most snowmen usually wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

 

 

 

What do you call a really funny Christmas joke about a duck?

A Christmas quacker.

 

 

 

How is Eminem like a Christmas Elf?

He is a master at wrapping.

Why is it so difficult to locate an advent calendar nowadays?

Their days are numbered.

Can you please stop asking for the perfect man, I was almost kidnapped 3 times by little elves today.

I don't care how old I get, if I see a sign on a toy in the store that says "try me", you better believe that I am pushing those buttons !!!!!

 

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What ? You didn't see any pirate jokes ????????
Merry Christmas.:exactly::2funny:

[Valens Legacy]

And I thought you were really going to put up a joke.

Good luck hunting with your detector as you are not a comedian.

 

 

[rvpopeye]

I love critics !  Especially if they're IN the audience. But I don't have 50,000 watts here😉

 

Well , not my usual material ..But the joke was that they weren't pirate jokes.

Ya know , cuz THEY'RE  all lame.....😜 

I don't consider myself a comedian , my specialty is snappy responses under pressure.

You may address me as The Weirdo Overlord (OK , everybody just shortens it to Weirdo

 

 

Anyhoo , Merry Christmas you animals !

I stole that line from Home Alone Kevin.....

[kac]

The Miriah Carey one is the best ROFL

Merry xmas!

[rvpopeye]

She does sound kinda like a bad wheel bearing you just have to admit it  !

Not sure if I could have made it sound less like dog whistles either. (The Whistle Register as referred to by my counterparts .)

Marrying the head of Columbia Records didn't hurt her one bit back in the early days ...

 

I wouldn't have included her in my joke list  but the switch to Hip Hop in the late 90 made me think that the MineLab engineers may have use for her in the detector frequency selection process ????

 

[rvpopeye]

Bringing this back to add to my Mariah Carey blather with new info.

The married to the head of Columbia Records comment needs a bit more filling out .    It turns out it was an abusive relationship leading her to re-inventing herself and upping her writing chops. 

Did you know she had 19 #1 hits ?. That's 1 less than the Beatles ! Well , maybe 2 with the release of Now and Then. 

But the dog whistle capability was retained....

Now , back to business .

Christmas Pirate Jokes !

 

What is always #1 on a pirate's list for Santa  (AKA Captain Whitebeard)  ?

Arrrrrrrrrgyle  !  Sweaters , socks  , maybe a nice scarf ........after that the usual.

Hooks , peg  legs , eye patches , and shiny swords are always welcome.

But never forget a Metal Detectaaaaaaaarr  !