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Erik Oostra

Forget VLF And Pi: Here Comes The Bastardxwave!

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Forget VLF and PI: here comes the BastardXWave!

Fully utilizing the latest XWave technology the BastardXWave detector punches far deeper than any other detector ever invented in the long history of detector prospecting, both on land and sea (it’s submersible to -801 metres). With this detector there is absolutely no need to dig for anything except your favourite metals, coins, jewellery or relics. Its vastly superior XWave detecting technology ignores all crap, including bottle tops, aluminium foil, nails or lead sinkers/birdshot (and everything else you don’t want to dig). It’s as easy as flipping the dial to the ‘IGNORE ALL CRAP’ mode and the BastardXWave does the rest. In the IAC mode the user has a ‘Voice Assist’ option where a very seductive female voice suggests you dig a bit further to the left or right to hit the hot spot. Obviously, by dialling the ‘DIG ALL CRAP’ mode you’ll be digging crap all day long. Although any serious detector prospector will scoff at the DAC mode, it does keep newbies and kiddies entertained for days (if not weeks).     

Once you’ve flipped to the desired mode, you’ll need to tell the BastardXWave what it is you’re looking for. If you only want to find gold just push the ‘FIND GOLD YOU BASTARD’ button in the IAC mode. In the FGYB setting the BastardXWave  will immediately find gold no matter how tiny or deep in the hottest ground, just wave the detector in the general direction of the area you want to search (you don’t even have to leave your car, just make sure you wind down the windows). You can rest assured that in the FGYB setting all you’ll be digging for is gold, in fact you’ll find so much of the yellow stuff that you’ll be able to pay someone else to do the digging for you. It’s the same for all other metals (such as silver, copper, lead or zinc), just hit the right button whilst in the IAC mode and become an instant billionaire!

If you have the urge to find only alloys, just hit the ‘FIND ALLOYS YOU BASTARD’ button in the IAC mode and the BastardXWave will hone in on any alloy humankind and aliens have ever created. Here the ‘Voice Assist’ girl tells relic hunters whether they are digging for an ancient pewter goblet or a wrought iron spoon. In fact, the seductive voice easily identifies the age the relic was created, for example during the Victorian Age or even the Bronze or Iron Ages (if some hunter-gatherer smelted it, the BastardXWave will find it!). Besides analysing age and metal combinations, the detector also shows the condition and current market value of any relic it has spotted, this is of great value in deciding if your lackey digs or not.                      

To find any coins of any country no matter how old just push the ‘FIND COINS YOU BASTARD’ button in the IAC mode and away you go. Just walk around any public place (parks, sporting grounds, beaches etc.) with the FCYB setting turned on and the BastardXWave will alert you to the nearest coins in the vicinity, no matter how deep or how salty or hot the ground. This handy feature means there is no need to swing the detector until it plays ‘We’re in the money’ (a very appropriate ditty by the ‘Gold Diggers'). Likewise, simply pushing the ‘FIND JEWELRY YOU BASTARD’ button does the same thing for any piece of jewellery you can think of. In the FJYB setting the detector will play George Jones and Tammy Wynette’s ‘Golden Ring’ before you need to start swinging. The BastardXWave is also extremely sensitive to diamonds and other high-value gemstones; in the ‘FIND GEMS YOU BASTARD’ setting it’ll play Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Diamonds are a girl's best friend’ as soon as it shoots your latest stone-clad crown.   

Finding rare earth metals (including cerium, dysprosium, erbium, europium, gadolinium, holmium, lanthanum, lutetium, neodymium, praseodymium, promethium, samarium, scandium, terbium, thulium, ytterbium or yttrium) is also simplicity itself. Just flip the dial to IAC mode and hit the ‘FIND RARE EARTHS YOU BASTARD’ button. This will promptly find all of the rare earth metal thus far discovered (and even those that haven’t) down to extreme depths very close to the Earth’s core (some might be a bit too deep to dig). As with all the other settings, the FREYB setting can be tuned to the maximum depth you feel like digging; for example, your average detector prospector will be very happy with the 1-5 metres range whilst global mining companies use the BastardXWave to find tiny deposits of rare earth metals several kilometres deep.

Likewise, finding meteorites of any size or composition is as easy as pushing the ‘FIND METEORITES YOU BASTARD’ button whilst in the IAC mode. This will instantly link the detector to satellites which beam down the latest lat/long coordinates of impact zones near you and pinpoint the nearest fragments. The BastardXWave also accurately predicts where and when the next meteorite strike will occur; another very handy feature which besides finding meteorites also allows you to take cover at just the right time. The BastardXWave’s manufacturer is currently working on ‘ERADICATE POVERTY’ and ‘STOP CLIMATE CHANGE’ settings. These awesome new settings will be available in latter models (including the BastardXWave Pro, BastardXWave Lite and BastardXWave Drone).        

Disclaimer: Due to deep fears of Chinese industrial espionage, the manufacturer will never release any photographs or technical information on how the BastardXWave works. None the less, you can still order one by privately contacting the manufacturer to haggle a fair price. The manufacturer will only sell the BastardXWaves on the condition that the buyer promises not to brag too much about how much money they’re making from this detector. Because the BastardXWave is so undeniably unique, the manufacturer regrets that there will be no refund after it’s been mailed to the buyer. Nor is there any form of warranty or spare parts. Just one left! Buy it now before it’s sold out!

Edited by Erik Oostra
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  • Haha 6

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Is it that time of year already ? 


Rich - 

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Sounds terribly over-complicated to me, surely a couple of bent coat-hangers, maybe with a pocket calculator hot-melt glued on top, would find all these targets?

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Okay, I'm laughing,


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    I "dig" that comedy "gold"!  Do i "detect" a hint of sarcasm?  When does the show go "afield"?  I hope it goes "stirling" for you!  Because comedy is no day at the "beach"!  To "coin" a phrase! 😅😂🤣


You had me at BastardXWave!  When i tried to click on it for more information! Very clever!!👌👍

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The manufacturer deeply regrets to inform the global detector prospector community that the BastardXWave has been pulled off the market. Chinese industrial espionage together with dirty tactics by other manufactures to halt the development of XWave technology, has led to the last ever BastardXwave being sold to a little-known Australian company called Minelab Electronics (part of the Codan group). This company has reverse-engineered XWave technology and come up with a detector which far surpasses the BastardXWave: The Equinox 800. All they need to do now is bring back the lusty voice-assist girl and attach the Equinox to a drone; away we go!   

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